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 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 04:44am 03/18/12 (06:36pm 05/18/10) in 1h29m57s  §  6233 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
 anchors: none.
Honestly, there's really not much I can say about Wolf's Rain. It's just shit. It's a dull, dreary, hateful, mean-spirited show that's not even the slightest bit entertaining. There is not a single likable character in the entire thing, every single scene is painted in washed out colors and senseless violence, and the plot doesn't make even a shred of sense. It's honestly the worst anime I've ever seen, and coming from someone who has sat through both MD Geist and Genocyber, that should terrify you. Hey, at least those were good for a few cheap laughs from the awful dubbing and blatant, over-the-top shock content.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 04:21pm 05/06/12 (02:46pm 02/26/10) in 2h7m39s  §  6233 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
after 1 bombings: 
 anchors: none.
Sakaguchi's departure and Final Fantasy X-2's subsequent release (and inexplicable commercial success) got the ball rolling on Square's campaign to churn out endless waves of terrible spinoffs, sequels, prequels and remakes to games that stood up perfectly well on their own merits. Thanks guys!

But hey, I do give the director some credit - he was nice enough to adapt his eleven-year-old son's fan fiction into the screenplay into the screenplay for this movie!

The setting is a city named "Edge" on the outskirts of Midgar, where Cloud and Tifa apparently now live. Whey they choose to live in a depressing barren landscape next to the burned out ruins of a giant slum instead of somewhere nice is a mystery to me; guess Cloud's just stuck in his emo phase again. There's also a sub-plot about a disease named "Geostigma" that doesn't really go anywhere or have any bearing on the overall plot.

Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo: We are throwaway villains, beware our blandness! We must fight for no reason.

Cloud engages in a long, flashy battle with the three dorks using the most impractical weapon in the entirety of the series thus far - a buster sword that splits into seven smaller buster swords. Yes, I'm serious. Nevermind that he cannot possibly wield more than two of them at any given time, or that no explanation is ever given as to why he discarded his old weapon and started using this one instead. After a while the Throwaways get bored and leave abruptly.

Turks: Why did Square bring us back, anyway? Nobody gave a shit about us in the original game. Hell, we all but admit in our first scene of dialog that we're just there to pad out the game with more boss fights.
Cloud: What do you want?
Turks: Our boss has an offer for you.
Cloud: Rufus? He's dead!
Turks: Think again.

They go to meet Rufus

Cloud: So, a character with no combat training and no physical enhancement from the Jenova project whatsoever somehow survived being shot right in the face by Diamond Weapon with a giant beam of pure energy that also caused your entire office building to collapse right on top of you.
Rufus: And all I got away with was a broken arm.
Cloud: Great, we're not even fifteen minutes into this movie and the plot is total bullshit already.
Rufus: And it's only going to get worse because when Square writes themselves into one corner, they have some obsessive compulsion to write themselves into the other three as well! I need your help to stop the Throwaways.
Cloud: Screw you, man.

Elsewhere, the Throwaways advance on Aerith's church, where Tifa and Marlene are. Why? Because it's a cheap excuse to show off some pretty CGI flowers, of course!

Loz: We are looking for the head of Jenova, give it to us!
Tifa: Why the hell would we have something like that? We spent the entirety of Final Fantasy VII trying to KILL Jenova, remember?
Loz: You haven't caught on yet? We just wander around and start fights to try and push the movie forward in spite of an absence of any real character or motivation.
Tifa: Ah. Just like Seifer, Seymour and the Turkeys.

Another fight ensues, Tifa loses. Loz kidnaps Marlene (WHY? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!) and vanishes again.

Cloud sets off to try and rescue Marlene, but finds himself overwhelmed by the Throwaways (again) and has to get rescued by Vincent - ANOTHER lame, underdeveloped character that nobody cared about! Except for the goth crowd. Maybe.

Vincent: They're trying to revive Sephiroth, Cloud.
Cloud: Really, Square? You'd stoop that low just to push this crappy film? Bringing back the dead is the absolute worst form of lazy writing, especially when we've already firmly established in series canon that that's impossible. Don't you think we would have resurrected Aerith - the only person capable of summoning Holy and stopping the world-destroying Meteor spell - if it weren't?!
Vincent: Well, my contractually obligated three minutes are up, I'm getting out of this film.

The throwaways summon a bunch of monsters to attack Midgar, which is yet another lazy vehicle to pad the movie out with eye-candy fight scenes and give the rest of the cast their requisite three minutes of screen time. Yes, that's right - the heavily touted "return to the universe of Final Fantasy VII" doesn't even give 95% of the cast more than a pittance when it comes to involvement in the plot.

Cait Sith: I got the worst of it; they didn't even give me my fucking Moogle, so I can't even do anything useful! I just ride on Red's back the whole movie and jabber out unfunny one-liners!

The fights continue.

Rufus: Oh hey, guys, that "Head of Jenova" Macguffin you've spent the whole film looking for? I got it!

He drops it off the side of the building, which is the stupidest idea since we've already seen that every character in this movie is a super-powered anime hero and that gravity, terminal velocity and non-mortal physical injuries basically mean nothing to them. Kadaj scoops it up and runs away.

Cloud: Ugh, you FUCKING IDIOT. Why did you not just DESTROY that thing? Did you completely forget that Jenova nearly brought the entire planet to ruin TWICE already?
Rufus: The same reason that you, despite knowing that I was alive and effectively powerless to stop you, didn't kill me - so we can get roped into even more shitty sequels in the future!
Cloud: God damn it.

Another running battle ensues, which Cloud actually wins this time despite losing badly to them just minutes ago. In desperation Kadaj absorbs Jenova's head, which inexplicably turns him into Sephrioth. Oooooh!

Sephiroth: It was I who created the Geostigma disease from Jenova's cells, and once the people infected with it die and return to the lifestream I will have control over the planet and use it as my vehicle to conquer the universe!
Cloud: .....Okay. First of all, you're supposed to be DEAD AND GONE, as I've already killed you twice. Second, that plan makes no sense; planets don't move under their own power, they're being moved around by the gravitational force of the sun. And finally... why are you so fucking ugly in this movie? You look like a coked-out raver in clown makeup, man.

None of these get answered to any satisfactory degree (of course), so they just resort to another lazy fight scene, which Cloud easily wins by using his seven-piece sword's Limit Break on him. No, I'm not kidding.

Sephiroth: Gasp! Who would have thought that the same thing that killed me last time would work again?!
Cloud: Even the main villain, which the entire movie was hyped around the return of and my epic final battle with, didn't manage to get more than five minutes of screen time. Nice going, Square.

Aerith and Zack's Jedi Ghosts: Cloud, you will go to the Dagobah system.
Cloud: Wha...?
Aerith and Zack's Jedi Ghosts: Just kidding. We're just here to make our obligatory cameo, heal your injuries, kill the other two Throwaways, and wipe out the whole Geostigma problem in one gigantic Deus ex Machina.
Cloud: I'd get into a rant about how sloppy this conclusion is, but I'm just glad that we're quitting while we're behind.
Tifa: Until the next sequel, of course.
Cloud: Of course.

Spoony: This movie is awful. The character and weapon designs are beyond gaudy, most of the characters are barely even acknowledged, the voice acting is dreadful, the story is a confused mess and there are more plot holes and continuity issues than a bad fanfic. But most of all, it's a completely unnecessary sequel - it doesn't expand the universe of Final Fantasy VII in any significant way, it tells us nothing about the characters that we didn't already know, and it certainly doesn't add any closure to the story. If anything, it subtracts any feelling of closure the series may have had - now that we know Square is willing to retcon major character deaths away whenever they want a few more digits on their bank account, who's to say they won't bring Sephrioth back a second time? Or a third? Or fourth?

The only thing that makes this whole mess tolerable are the action scenes, which are so fast-paced, ridiculous and over the top that they become completely awesome. But that said, fight scenes should serve the purpose of enhancing the story, not desperately trying to distract you from it.

So yeah, I think I'd rather sit through a double feature of Super Mario Brothers and Street Fighter the Movie than watch this again; sure, those movies were also loud, stupid and had almost nothing to do with the games they were based on, but at least Nintendo and Capcom had the good sense to distance them from their respective franchises' canon.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~FUN FACT  §  at 02:51pm 02/26/10
I was going to use "Double Dragon" as an example at the end, but then I found out that the Neo-Geo fighting game in that series is actually based on the movie. Why they'd choose to make that disaster canon is beyond me, but there you go.
 ~Azul Rojo  §  at 08:34pm 02/26/10
I didn't mind some parts of this movie. The fight scenes were awesome to watch, the characters looked great, and the music was nice, too. Seeing the church, 500 year old Midgar, and the City of the Ancients with better graphics was cool, too. The eye candy was a very nice treat.

All that cool stuff still can't make up for the poor story and below average voice acting (the Englsh voices, anyway). I have no idea what the hell Square-Enix was thinking. If you're going to make a sequel (or prequel, for that matter), it should add to the original story, or answer questions that came up. Advent Children doesn't do EITHER of these things. Why are the 3 new clones so powerful, when the others were pathetic, weak and shaky? And where the hell did the 3 of them come from? What were the other characters up to while Cloud and Tifa were getting on with their lives? How can Cloud suddenly talk to Aeris?

Yet another fine example of why fancy graphics can't fill in for a good story.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 12:54am 02/28/10
Flashy visual effects are fun to watch, but there's a good reason why most companies use them sparingly - they're not nearly as impressive if they have to step in and save the plot from itself every ten minutes. I was really hoping Final Fantasy XII was the game that would finally dig Square out of that pit, but nope; as XIII has proven, they made it the rare exception rather than the new rule.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 11:04am 05/21/12 (02:30am 02/26/10) in 2h42m36s  §  6392 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
 anchors: none.
It's derivative, uninteresting and badly written, but I guess that's to be expected when the only name of any merit in your show's credits is the guy who directed Bebop (another overrated, aimless show with no sense of identity!).

Mugen: Hi, I'm the protagonist of this show, and all I ever do is start fights with random people and kick their asses using my stupid breakdancing sword style, then brag about how awesome I am. Needless to say, you're going to be fucking sick of me by the end of the second episode. Also, the director apparently has a huge boner for Spike Spiegel, because I look exactly like him and even have the same voice actor.
Jin: I have no personality whatsoever. Despite this, I am the other protagonist. We must fight for no reason.

The battles are slow, drawn-out and animated at a constant 3 frames per second, which they desperately try to cover up by wobbling the camera all over the place throughout. But even if they were decently animated and lacked the cheap Braveheart shaky-cam effect, they'd still be boring because they all center on the most bland, forgettable protagonists in any anime, ever, and you simply don't care who wins or loses. And you'd best get used to this, because you're going to see at least two of them per episode from here on out.

Spoony: Honestly, if you want me to root for someone, give me a better reason than just "because he's the main character" or "he wants to be the best" (because that's not corny and cliched enough, not to mention a cheap excuse to stretch the show out indefinitely for more money). The audience needs a better character motive than "I just wander around and fight people because I can". That's not storytelling. Hell, that wouldn't even pass muster as a video game plot in the 70s.

Their fight gets interrupted when some ugly bastard burns down the building they're fighting in (again, for no adequately-explained reason) and they get blamed for it.

Fu: Even though they're dangerous, violent criminals who destroyed my workplace over a meaningless pissing contest, I decide to rescue them because nobody else will help me in my quest to find my father. Then all I have to do is find something to bitch about incessantly every single time I'm on camera, and I'm set! Oh, and you two aren't allowed to kill each other until this happens.
Mugen: You do realize we're just going to throw down anyway the second you turn your back, right?

At least one episode steals a script from Cowboy Bebop practically line for line, but aside from that absolutely nothing happens for most of the rest of the show; it's all just bland filler that has fuck-all to do with finding Fu's dad. You don't set up a plotline and then spend the next twenty episodes trying your very hardest to ignore it - that is terrible writing.

To try and offset this, the show paints the protagonists as some important, unwritten figures in history to make them seem more interesting.

Spoony: I hope they only lasting impact they have on history is as a textbook example of how NOT to write interesting characters. Now tell a fucking story; if I wanted to sit through hours of directionless, confused rambling that's desperately trying to sound "deep and meaningful", I'd read Time Cube.

As the show goes on, it only gets stupider and stupider. One episode features baseball. Yes, baseball. A game that wouldn't take form as we know it until the early nineteenth century, which this show is set roughly two hundred years before. And they're playing against a team of bad American stereotypes a good century before the United States of America was even founded. Wow. Can we do just a little research next time, please?

Spoony: When you make Inuyasha's take on ancient Japan look well researched and credible, you've seriously fucked up.

Another features guys beatboxing into a sword hilt and impromptu rapping.

Spoony: He's beatboxing into a fucking sword hilt. Beatboxing. Sword hilt. Why? Why would anyone, in the history of the world, ever beatbox into a fucking SWORD HILT? Seriously. I cannot begin to even articulate how completely and utterly stupid this all is. I can't even explain why I'm still watching it; it's so god damned boring and doesn't have a single unique idea or interesting character in it anywhere. Even the battles are about as exciting as watching moss grow.

On with the show. More coma-inducing fights ensue with a guy wielding a six-shot revolver (who gets built up as some enormous evil badass, only to die anticlimactically in a fight that lasts less than twenty seconds) and every quirky villain copied directly from every swordsman hero movie you've ever seen anywhere. It quickly becomes apparent that the only original fighting style in the entire show is Mugen's combination of break dance and ape spasm.

Spoony: The worst combination of anything since an unfunny Tim Allen sitcom and the Super Nintendo, I might add.

The last episode comes, and the crew, realizing that they spent the entire budget writing and animating filler while drinking heavily, have little choice but to hamfistedly resolve everything in the last fifteen minutes of the last episode. Fu finds her dad, he dies, Jin and Jerkoff duke it out, their swords break, they collapse on top of each other like the end of Rocky II. They both mumble about how they didn't want to kill each other anyway, then go their seperate ways. Hooray for another dull cop-out ending that doesn't satisfy on any level.

Spoony: If only Spike's obnoxious clone had died, this show may have had one redeeming factor. Two if it was a horrible, gory demise. Forget this crap.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 02:32am 03/21/13 (01:16am 02/26/10) in 40m54s  §  6082 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
after 1 bombings: 
 anchors: none.
I'd say "Transformers" was the only decent toy/cartoon crossover franchise, but even that's been systematically ruined with one terrible remake after another.

Kiyo: Grr angst angst angst, I am a child genius who became an asshole because everyone made fun of me in middle school.
Zatch: I come out of nowhere with a pair of boxer shorts clumsily Photoshopped onto myself! Somehow this is a huge source of contention for the show's fans, which would seem to indicate that they're all either eight year old perverts or twenty-eight year old pedophiles!
Kiyo: Who the fuck are you?
Zatch: Gash Zatch Bell. I'm a mighty demon even though I look like some kind of retarded wooden puppet, am named after slang for female genetalia and wear a dress. Here, have this book that lets me shoot lightning out of my mouth when you say some magic words.
Kiyo: What kind of worthless demon has to get some random kid to activate all his powers for him?
Zatch: Every demon on the show, of course.
Kiyo: Great. Just like Digimon, Dinozaurs and Mega Man NT Warrior, they could have made this show halfway entertaining by just writing out all the human characters that never do anything but stand around and shout unimportant cack back and forth, but nope, we just HAD to include them.
Zatch: Oh yeah, there's about a billion other stupid-looking demons with slightly different powers running around too, and we have to kill them all so I can become the demon king.
Kiyo: Oh, I get it now. It's another formulaic collect-them-all commercial anime that's little more than a vehicle to sell toys and merchandise,
Zatch: Yep.
Kiyo: ..With a core concept directly stolen from Highlander...
Zatch: Pretty much.
Kiyo: ...and mixed with Pokemon so the story has absolutely no weight, tension or direction and we can recycle the same three gags over and over in every episode.
Zatch: You got it.

Within the span of two episodes the entire "angry teen" characterization is forgotten and the show turns into yet another formulaic villain-of-the-week anime where every single battle is exactly the same. Then, once everyone is tired of the coterminous storyline and toy sales fall off, it gets canceled without even a proper conclusion and ten more worthless copycat shows take its place. Fucking lame.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Azul Rojo  §  at 01:28am 02/26/10
Horse balls. I wonder how many fanboys will cling to this and say it's the BEST THING EVAR!!, when there are animes that are fun to watch? I miss Sailor Moon and Pizza Cats, I really do.
 ~Zero_Diamond  §  at 01:50am 02/26/10
People watch this crap?
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 01:56am 02/26/10
Not anymore. Now it's been replaced by soulless corporate sockpuppets such as Dinosaur King, Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's and Bakugan Battle Brawlers!
 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 03:34am 03/26/13 (08:49pm 05/17/09) in 6h46m35s  §  8448 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
after 1 bombings: 
 anchors: none.
While it's not the worst anime ever, it's arguably the most boring!

Ichigo: Hi, I'm Ichigo, for reasons that are never really elaborated on I have the power to see ghosts, which are apparently huge retarded-looking things with two mouths and gaping holes in their chests.
Rukia: I conveniently show up and let you turn into a ghost, then give you a comically oversized sword so you can kill the stupid-looking bad guys. Also, somehow you can wield the thing like a katana or a rapier even though it's taller than you are and looks to weigh hundreds of pounds.
Ichigo: I'm pretty damn strong for a fifteen year old, apparently.
Rukia: You're fifteen? You look and sound at least thirty, dude.
Ichigo: I'm really thirty, but I go to high school just to cover up the fact that I have no friends, no job and still live with my dad.
Rukia: Ah. So you're connecting with the show's target audience. BURN!!!!

Retarded lion thing: I'm some kind of stuffed animal or something that takes possession of your body while you're fucking around as a spirit. Apparently I'm supposed to be the comic relief character with a big important role to play later on, but no one cares because I'm obnoxious as hell.
Orihime: I'm here too. Oh, hi, the only reason anyone watches this show is because of me. Mostly because I'm a ditzy airhead and I have bigger tits than Tifa.

A few boring villains-of-the-week are defeated.

Rukia: Random drama injection! I've violated some sort of previously-unexplained law of the afterlife by making you a Soul Reaper and now I'm going on the chopping block for it. And just to milk the gravity of this situation a little further, my executioner is apparently also my brother.
Ichigo: Just like in a million other animes, this bit of family politics conveniently causes me to immediately change from an unwilling anti-hero into a stern and righteous fighter! Now we must fight!
Asshole Brother: You cannot stop me, for my power level spiritual pressure is greater than yours!
Ichigo: So souls are like helium tanks or something? You just have to compress them and then you get weird superpowers?

The fight is over in one blow. Of course.

Ichigo: Ow.
Asshole Brother: Now instead of doing the smart thing and finishing you off while you're completely helpless (or at the very least giving you an injury you won't be able to recover from in time to stop me), I'll just leave you here.
Lame supporting characters nobody cares about: As some kind of ridiculous formality, they wait two weeks before actually killing criminals in the Soul Society. In anime terms, this is enough time to not only train you enough to put you on even footing with the big bad guy, but to establish a whole bunch of other stupid subplots that will come up sporadically throughout the next several seasons and eventually become the focus of an entire one, which in turn will spawn MORE stupid subplots, potentially dragging out this show forever.
Ichigo: Great, I guess...

The training commences. Within the span of about five episodes Ichigo becomes powerful enough to singlehandedly conquer all of the Soul Society's strongest soldiers, who are all swordsmen that rely on a single gimmick to keep their enemy off guard. Of course, none seem to realize that by stopping the fight every twenty seconds to EXPLAIN OUT EVERY SINGLE ATTACK THEY USE IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL, they're telling the hero exactly how to defeat them.

Asshole Brother: Behold my big wall of swords!
Ichigo: GRR, my only defense is doing the exact same charge-and-slash attack while yelling a lot over and over again! Yet somehow I'm still beating you.
Asshole Brother: Wait! We have to stretch out our remaining animation budget over the course of fourteen episodes by stopping and discuss our every thought and action in painstaking detail every five minutes.
Ichigo: Couldn't we just copy notes from Evangelion by avoiding any real conclusion and closing the series with a collage of crappy scribbles and still frames from previous episodes?
Asshole Brother: Of course not. That would just be stupid.
Ichigo: But it's still inexplicably popular. Besides, it can't be much worse than what's to come on THIS show.
Asshole Brother: Touche.

Two hundred frames of animation are successfully dragged out over three and a half months of airtime.

Asshole Brother: You win. Rukia is free to go.
Ichigo: Finally. Let's get out of here, if I see one more swordsman with a gimmicky fighting style I'm going to puke.

Typical boring filler episodes ensue.

Ichigo: Grr, I must stop him even though they spent the entire last season trying to kill me! Boring array of heroes, assemble!
Mr. Plasticarm: I punch stuff and mumble a lot. Yeah, that's pretty much all I ever do. Deal with it.
Cocky Jerk: I have a sword that splits apart and flexes like a whip, an idea which was clearly NOT stolen from Soul Calibur. Also it seems to randomly quintuple in size.
Furry Magnet: I turn into a cat. As in a housecat. It's about as useful as it sounds.
Orihime: Apparently I somehow gained the power to manipulate reality. In other words, I'm the ultimate lazy plot device; I can pull a deus ex machina out of my ass any time I want!
White-haired swordsman: I'm even more bland than the guy who punches things. Hell, I can't even remember what my superpower was.
Jugs: I have the exact same abilities as White-haired swordsman, only my tits are hanging out all the time.

The show has officially become Dragonball Z at this point, only instead of cutting to the supporting cast prattling on about nothing every five minutes, it cuts to another fight every five minutes. Only not really because every "fight" just consists of trading blows for a few seconds followed by twenty minutes of idle chatter, ending anticlimactically when the hero spots a minute flaw in their attack pattern and exploits it for a quick victory.

Forgettable Villain: Beware, for I actually stand a chance against Ichigo!

Digging more notes out of the Book of Cliches, Ichigo gets bloodied up for a while, then the villain does something stupid (like stabbing his ally in the back) that gives the hero the exact push he needs to win. Even then, though, it's never exciting to watch because they always cop out with an offscreen clash of swords or both characters vanishing into a ball of light with the hero invariably emerging the winner. In the rare absence of both of those, they just fall back on the tired old deus ex machina of some vaguely established "ultimate power with no upper limit" that he's had from square one. Shitty writing at its finest. Then, of course, the fact that he's brutally injured and his clothes have been torn to shreds are always forgotten in the next scene, where he's walking around in a clean new suit and showing no sign of pain or injury.

(How the hell does a disembodied soul bleed, anyway? The whole premise of this show is just stupid.)

One or two episodes pass without event before another array of forgettable villains shows up and more boring fights/filler talk ensue. Rinse and repeat for eleven more goddamn seasons and counting, the character designs getting progressively more and more stupid until they're literally fighting talking shoulder pads and a guy with a lava lamp for a head. I am not making this shit up.
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~Alan Smithee  §  at 02:55am 05/18/09
I liked this show better when it was called "Yu-Yu Hakusho" and it didn't have all the stupid talking stuffed animals.
 ~Washuu  §  at 10:59am 05/18/09
Japan has this odd fetish for making main characters are supposed to be teenagers look and sound like they're at least mid-twenties. First example that comes to mind: Ikki from Air Gear, who is supposed to be 13. I do not fucking think so.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 06:29pm 12/01/09
Even Yu Yu Hakusho descended into being another mediocre Dragonball Z ripoff before long. What is it with action anime always coming back to suck the dick of that shit show?
 ~SHITTLE  §  at 04:59am 01/18/10
 ~vinic  §  at 12:12am 02/16/10
heh why'd you replace the bleach nutshell with it.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 01:47am 02/26/10
Bleach nutshell is back!
 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 02:27am 03/04/11 (01:04am 04/28/09) in 1h39m21s  §  7743 eyeballs
 chained to: Anime in a Nutshell  §  first - previous - next - latest
 Most anime, despite all you've been lead to believe, really really sucks.
 anchors: none.
While lacking in imagination, devoid of a single memorable character or scene and having less plot - and yet paradoxically more plot holes - than Valkyrie Profile, the writers can always say "hey, at least we didn't make Wolf's Rain."

The setting is a devastated wasteland presumably near Japan, which apparently got leveled by a meteor. Instead of helping to rebuild, though, the government pretty much just closed the place off and let the surviving inhabitants fend for themselves. What a nice bunch of guys.

Useless Girl: Where is Kazuma? He said he was going to work today.
Kazuma: Doo de do, I'm driving around the wasteland looking for random people to fight for no reason instead of doing anything to help rebuild my homeland. Aren't I a compelling protagonist?
Generic Rival: ROAR Fight!
Kazuma: SUMMON METAL FIST ARMOR! Oh yeah, everybody in this show has the power to create weird robots out of rainbows. Kind of like Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, only they all look like preschool toys and their powers are all incredibly genric and boring.

Kazuma easily wins the fight since his last bullet attack invariably destroys anything he fires it at. Kind of makes you wonder why he even bothers using the first two.

Ryuho: I am from HOLY, a group that wants to conquer this wasteland for reasons I never really bothered to ask. I'm here just to fuck your shit up with my one-eyed, armless mannequin thing. No, really.

Only Bleach has worse character designs than this show

Ditz: I just tag along with this asshole so I can cheer him on. And to answer your question, Spoony didn't even bother remembering my name because I have no other character traits or personality whatsoever.

After kicking Kazuma's ass, they simply leave, only to send their pitifully weak flunkies after him for the next few episodes, including a guy who fights with metal balls that give people headaches and a mind control villain, which are always boring because the hero invariably breaks free of their powers by the end of the episode anyway. It becomes painfully clear after five or six episodes of this crap that they were just throwing in filler to meet a 26-episode quota.

Kazuma: Grr, I must become stronger! To the Forest of Fucked Up Things!
Star Platinum Ripoff: EEEUUUUUAAAAAA
Kazuma: I punched a hole in you and tore a chunk out of your spine, which apparently didn't kill you but did give me a crazy propeller on my back and spikes coming out of my face. Now eat shit, Ryuho!
Ryuho: Hahaha, you fool. Much like Dragon Ball Z, I too can pull a more powerful Alter form out of my ass any time the plot calls for it! Mannequin, become Retarded Snake Beast!

Big explosion occurs and they get lost in a rainbow.

HOLY stooges: Hahaha, we are now free to conquer the wasteland now that Kazuma is gone!
Ryuho: I am now back without any explanation, and don't expect one because I've lost my memories. Now I'm going to kick your ass with my bare hands and without using my Alter. Yes, HOLY really sucks that much without me.
HOLY stooges: We are vanquished!

In the very next episode his memories return; despite this, he does not return to HOLY, making it look like he went turncoat for little to no reason at all. But it's okay, see, because HOLY is really run by this corrupt asshole who wants to steal the power of Alter and rule the world, and his Alter conveniently allows him to steal other peoples' Alters... gee, we've only seen that in about fifty to a hundred other works of fiction!

(But all that said, It's still pretty stupid because that fact never seemed to bother Ryuho until RIGHT NOW)

Elsewhere, we learn that Kazuma is still alive and, unlike Ryuho, has NOT lost his memories. Why did he keep his memories while Ryuho hasn't? Where did both of them go? How did they get back? Fuck if I know, because it's given absolutely no explanation! Ever!

Emo Girl: I must fight you to save my brother, lame mermaid powers GO!

Kazuma seems to be at a major disadvantage, at least until Emo Girl learns her brother's already dead and commits suicide over it.

Kazuma: GRRRRRR, even though I barely knew her and she tried and nearly succeeded to murder me, I am hell-bent on avenging her death!
Asshole: I was the one who put her up to this!
Kazuma: Even though you're protected by the Plot Shield, I'm going to attack you anyway! GRRRRRR!

Needless to say, it doesn't work. A few more filler episodes ensue on both ends of the story, most of them simply being fights with villainous characters recycled from previous episodes. Naturally, their alters all have completely unexplained Dragonball Z upgrades as well, which often has as profound an effect as adding more stupid useless fins and colorful trim to their bodies.

Asshole: I have kidnapped Useless Girl, because she apparently has some incredibly powerful Alter ability, which invariably means she can either see the future or travel time! Are you bad enough dudes to rescue her?
Kazuma and Ryuho: Apparently, yes!

They go to his big tower of doom, where they confront even more recycled villains. Hooray for lazy writing!

Star Platinum Ripoff: BWWWOOOOOO
Ryuho: My god... I remember now... YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!
Kazuma: So the most uninteresting, generic villain in the entire show is ironically the only one with any actual role in the story?
Ryuho: Yes, and now I must fight it!

Ryuho gets his shit ruined, mostly because he's retarded and sent in his weak-ass mannequin to do the fighting instead of its powered up form.

Ditz: Oh shit. Now I have to sacrifice my life to heal you to full and give your Alter another convenient Dragon Ball Z upgrade.

Yet another pointless character death ensues. Throw one more in as Kazuma angrily blasts Generic Rival off a cliff to his doom after six consecutive episodes screaming and bitching about how much he hates the guy... then gets all teary-eyed about what he's done.


Even though Ryudo's reached Super Saiyan 3 his Alter's ultimate form, Boss-man is able to fend him off, at least until it becomes apparent that his alter makes him age about ten years every time the camera cuts back to him; within five minutes he's over 130 years old... and dead.

Boss-man: Worst... Alter... ever...

They go on to confront Asshole himself.

Asshole: Check it out, I use light attacks with one hand and darkness attacks with another, which is another totally unique concept that hasn't been done a million times already!

In spite of his complete and utter blandness, they're at his mercy until Useless Girl manages to escape his control at the most convenient of moments! They quickly turn the tables and defeat him, but - surprise - he too has pulled yet another, more powerful form out of his ass!

Kazuma: Oh fuck off already, you one-dimensional lameass villain.

Kazuma's metal arm expands into a giant tacky suit of metal armor and he reduces Asshole to a fine paste with one punch

Kazuma: Well, now that that's over, there's only one thing left for us to do.
Ryuho: Have a horribly brutal battle with one another that encompasses the entire final episode even though we're on the same side now?
Kazuma: Yep.

They do just that; the ending is a gigantic cop-out since it doesn't show who actually wins the fight. Oh, and the "ruined land vs HOLY" plot line that the whole series is based around doesn't get resolved either, so this entire story was completely pointless. Fantastic!

Kazuma: ...Wait a minute, what the hell does s-CRY-ed mean anyway?
Ryuho: In the original manga it was the word of power that allowed an Alter to reach its highest form. Funny, though, it never really came up in the anime adaptation, did it?
Kazuma: Nope. Nice job omitting a major plot element that's in the fucking title of the series, guys. That's like leaving Naruto out of the anime version of Naruto!

Another bad anime comes to a close, leaving its audience with nothing to think about and no sense of satisfaction. But it's such a vapid and forgettable show that nobody remembers it after a month anyway, so who cares.
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